Wednesday, October 10, 2007

glimpses of love in fighting the inexorable deterioration of the will...

OK, I'll admit it. Since taking the 31 for 21 challenge I have begun to find myself procrastinating when it comes to blogging, in the same way I usually put off other "have-to" things. Quite often I would just much rather read other people's blogs, or play online solitaire, or eat chocolate.

Part of it is I am also working on the memoir, bit by bit, longhand, in notebooks, at my writing space whenever I can make it. This is deep work, and it is slow going for them most part. And it often siphons off the language I have to give. I recall years ago a good poet friend of mine apologizing for not keeping up our email correspondence by saying, "I feel like I have only so many words per day." I totally know what she meant.

It doesn't help that I have been fighting depression (yes, that is the technical term for the lovely cartoon character Major Funk), and a host of emotions usually gray to purple in hue, and also spending time with the kids through a holiday and Bob being out of town a great deal. I only have so much energy per day. (I am amazed at my fellow T21 mom-bloggers who have even larger families, or other challenges [including their children's serious health issues] and who are still able to post daily.)

And now that the bus situation, the thorny problem we thought was solved so we could move on to the next challenge, is back on our plates, I'm feeling more than a bit daunted. I'm quailing, flailing, and perhaps just failing.

I decided early this morning that I would not post any complaints today. I do not want to be a "downer" (sorry for the word). I want to celebrate our life with Stella in all its complexity. You can see from the pictures how beautiful and engaging she is. What's harder to discern is the exact nature of her gifts, from our perspective.

I promise to get it down, get it all down, in little pieces, a day at a time.

Today's tidbit is one of my favorites: Ever since Stella was a toddler she has been known for her hugs. Her cousin Elly once said, "Stella is the best hugger ever!" The past year or two, she has added a special touch: When she gives you a full-on hug, she also pats you on the back with one hand. It feels amazing. This little person is not only expressing love but actually comforting you, her caregiver or family member or friend. Just a little something extra.

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