Saturday, October 25, 2008

not so fast....

Well, I suppose it was inevitable. No sooner had I written this post about how calm and cool and copacetic I was about my divorce, than the skies clouded up and darkened, and the waves gathered to crash on the sandy (rocky?) shore of my psyche. Or something along those lines.

Divorce, my friends, is hell. Plain and simple. It is exponentially more hellish when children are involved. It takes a long, long time to "move on" in any meaningful way, and even when you think you've started to do that, something can happen to trigger all the yucko feelings you thought you'd started to leave behind.

I think I am experiencing the anniversary effect--meaning, since it was Halloween night when my marriage was handed to me on a platter, the crisping air (which MacGregor refers to as "that first chilly scent of Canada") and signs of orange-and-black faux-ghoulishness start to remind me of the real horror of grief, shock, abandonment, guilt, failure, fear, etc. etc. etc.

Love is not always enough. The best of intentions falter. Resolutions wither and die. Things change. Leaves, like plans and hopes and dreams, turn and fall and crumble to dust.

But yes, there is always the promise of far-off spring, that cliche of cliches for new beginnings--but no less apt an analogy for that. There is hope. There is faith (more about that, soon). There are grace and forgiveness. There are, thank goodness, lots and lots of kleenex. (No one really thinks you're crazy for crying on the subway, right?) There is tomorrow--and tomorrow, as Scarlett O said, is another day and, as Annie reminded us, only a day away.

5 comments:

jennifergg said...

well i'm a little behind on my blog reading (a little? how about more like a lot) and i'm just reading about these big changes in your life, and i wanted to write, but i don't know what to say...

i'm thinking of you and hoping the days get better and better.

xo

Amy said...

Thanks for your thoughts, JGG. It's good to hear from you!

Laura said...

Only a poet could write about those yucky feelings so eloquently.

jmiller said...

I agree. Well said at least you have a lot of support from friends and family. Hang in there!

Amy said...

Thanks, Laura and Jen! It helps to know people who have been through it...and lived to tell about it!